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Jul 122010
 

Slither (Widescreen Edition) is a horror film that’s sure to make you squirm… with laughter. In a small town, a meteor crashes in the woods. Then it opens to reveal an alien worm that goes into a guy named Grant Grant (Michael Rooker) and takes over his body and mind. Now all he thinks about is meat and sex, but that’s only the beginning.

Soon the creature within Grant grows. His gorgeous wife Starla (Elizabeth Banks) notices something different as if Grant was a whole new person and seems to enjoy it. That is until she finds out the truth about him. It’s not just about the alien possession and the disgusting closet, but Grant also mated with another woman, Brenda (Brenda James). Then Grant becomes hostile toward Starla. Luckily the police, lead by Bill Pardy (Nathan Fillion), was there to save her. Now it’s up to them to hunt Grant down and the alien that possessed him.

I remember when Nathan Fillion came to FX Convention 2008. He made a grand entrance as fans cheered for him in the autograph line and said, “This is the place for cool people.” Nathan was a real nice guy and my sister was thrilled to have met him. Most of the fans there were fans of Firefly and Serenity, which was based on Firefly. To be honest, I never liked Firefly, but Nathan Fillion had other great roles like Bill Pardy from Slither and the Caleb from season 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Jack the Mayor (Gregg Henry) also joins in the search and he is hilarious. Jack believes that Grant’s condition is Lyme disease. “You touch some deer feces and then you eat a sandwich without washing your hands, you got your Lyme disease.” It’s also funny when Jack complains that nobody brought any Mr. Pibb.

Starla and the police follow the trail of dead animals to a farm where Grant has become a more dangerous drooling squid worm beast. Then they follow him through the forest to an old shack where Brenda was kept. Brenda’s constant hunger has made her huge. I remember back when this movie was new and the web site included a feature about feeding Brenda slabs of meat lying around. Remember that?

Disaster strikes when Brenda explodes and releases a whole bunch of baby alien worms. At first I thought they were like leeches. Then it’s revealed that these worms don’t bite, they only possess people by getting into their mouths. So they’re not as threatening as leeches or zombies. Then again, they can also spit acid.

The worms run loose all over town and look for more victims. One of them even sneaks into a house, where Kylie (Tania Saulnier), a teenage girl, is taking a bath. Dude, what is it with monsters peeping on young ladies taking bubble baths? Although Kylie escapes the worm attack, the rest of her family wasn’t so lucky.

The possessed victims are also all psychically connected to Grant for he is the source carrier. It becomes even creepier when some of the victims merge together with Grant as Bill and Starla confront him.

This was a good film, despite its disgusting points. The humor and excitement do make up for it though.

Jul 052010
 

Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th is another spoof of the Scream trilogy, but this one goes in another direction. The basic story is same, which is about a masked killer on the loose terrorizing high school teens. Not only does this movie include tidbits from I Know What You Did Last Summer, but also tidbits from other films like There’s Something About Mary, American Pie, Teaching Mrs. Tingle, Grease, and others.

This spoof spares no expense on gags. The main characters have names like Dawson Deary (Harley Cross), Slab (Simon Rex), Boner (Danny Strong), and Doughy Prime Suspect (Tom Arnold). The high school, known as Bulimia Falls High, has rooms for a nail salon, tanning salon, and women’s studies a.k.a. breast augmentation. Even the drinking fountains have a choice of scotch, vodka, and gin. It’s unbelievable. Who built that school anyway?

Now here’s something unusual. The killer is out in the open killing people at the school, but nobody notices as if things like this occur all the time. That does not make sense to me. Although there is curiosity about who the killer might be, the mystery level of this horror film tends to go way off base.

Julie Benz, who is well known as Darla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, plays Barbara the pretty and popular teen beauty pageant winner. When I met her at Mini MegaCon 2009, my sister told Julie how thrilled I was to have met her. Then she says, “That must be exciting for you.” Okay, that was strange. She also wasn’t too thrilled about the photos of choice for autographs. I thought this one was good.

Another Buffy the Vampire Slayer actor in this film was Danny Strong who played Jonathon. Here he plays Boner, a teen who constantly worries about never getting laid. Sorry, but that gag gets old after awhile.

It takes a lot to unmask this killer, and I’m not just talking about suspects.

This wasn’t really a bad movie. I’m glad that there was no gross humor, but I still think this parody was way too overdone. It wasn’t nearly as funny as Scary Movie.

Jan 082010
 

Darkness Falls (Special Edition) has an interesting take on the legend of the tooth fairy. She was once a nice old lady named Matilda Dixon. She exchanges a gold coin for a lost baby tooth. The children all loved her. One day, Matilda’s house caught fire and her face was hideously scarred. The townspeople hanged Matilda, but she vows revenge. Once anyone loses their last baby tooth, Matilda seeks them out and kills them in the night because she can’t stand light. Spooky, huh? Almost like a Grimm fairytale.

Emma Caufield, best known as Anya from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, stars as Caitlin Greene. I met her at Mini MegaCon 2009. She was nice, but not very talkative. When I went to get her autograph I told her that I liked the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode when she dressed as a cute bunny. Emma wasn’t very enthusiastic, but she did say that she had about five other comments about it and fans like to see that kind of stuff.

In this film, Caitlin’s younger brother Michael (Lee Cormie), who is young enough to be her son, has become Matilda’s next target. So Caitlin seeks help from her childhood friend Kyle (Chaney Kley), who’s been one of Maltilda’s targets for years. That masked witch never gives up, does she.

Kyle becomes a battery and light fanatic just to stay safe. He even takes massive medications, but that’s not the way to stop a demon from killing you. You have to kill it first. Of course, doctors or any other nonbelievers of the supernatural would never see it that way.

This was a good horror film, but I always used to think that the tooth fairy was good. This one doesn’t even brush her own teeth from the looks of it.

Nov 132009
 

Ed Gale Autograph

Pinata: Survival Island stars Nicholas Brendan and Jaime Pressly as college students, among a group of others, who travel to an island on a scavenger hunt. While gathering men’s and women’s underpants all over, one team finds a piñata that was possessed by evil spirits and decides to open it. What are the odds, right?

Then it becomes a fight for survival as the Piñata tries to kill everyone and take their souls. He’s like Shang Tsung (Mortal Kombat) on steroids, but he prefers to beat his victims with a stick. A little poetic justice, I guess. The Piñata is smart too. He cuts the boats loose so no one can escape and even takes several demonic forms as a way to quickly get around. It doesn’t work as a camouflage because he still looks like he’s made out of lava rock.

Nicholas Brendan is well known for his role as Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I met him at FX Convention 2008.

Nicholas Brendan and me

I also met Ed Gale, who played the Piñata monster, at Spooky Empire 2009. He was a nice guy and great to talk to. I also found out that Ed Gale was one of the Dink men on Spaceballs, which is one of my favorite Mel Brooks films. He was also Chucky on the original Child’s Play and a stunt man in two of the sequels.

Ed Gale and me

This is an exciting horror film overall. In fact, I can actually see this story line on an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If you think about it, this wouldn’t be the first time Xander went on a solo mission.

Oct 302009
 

As a special treat for Halloween, I put together a list of 13, that’s right 13, of my favorite scary and seductive female vamps that horror fans love to be afraid of.

#13) Selene (Kate Beckinsale) from Underworld: She’s a kick butt death dealer vampire. Unlike many of the others listed here, Selene is on the side of good. She’s not really seductive because her main focus is to take out lycons. You’ve got to admit though, Selene is a hottie.

#12) Rachael (Jennifer Beals) from Vampire’s Kiss: Her kisses are addictive, even if it does include biting. Not only that, but they cause her victims to go totally mad. I wonder if she’s part siren.

Lauren Hutton as the Countess

#11) The Countess (Lauren Hutton) from Once Bitten: Like the famous Count Dracula, the Countess seduces her victims before biting them. However, she prefers virgin males and instead of aiming for the neck, she goes for the thigh. Doesn’t thinking about that just make you want to cringe?

#10) Queen Akasha (Aaliyah) from Queen of the Damned: After the vampire Lestat awakens her, Akasha only cares about destroying all life and ruling the world. She sounds like a pretty typical warlord, but the character was nominated for Best Villain on the 2002 MTV Movie Awards, even after Aaliyah’s death. So that has to account for something, right.

#9) Rayne (Kristanna Loken) from BloodRayne: Well, Rayne isn’t exactly a vampire. She’s a dhampir, which means a half-breed, kind of like Blade. Rayne is also on the side of good, but still needs to feed. Not to mention that she can kick butt while doing it.

Lorena from True Blood

#8) Lorena (Mariana Klaveno) from True Blood: This gorgeous vamp is strong, fast, and obsessive like a femme fatale. She will do anything, and I mean anything, for love. And she loves Bill Compton, which was why she sired him. Boy, does she love Bill Compton.

van-helsing-brides

#7) Allera (Elena Anaya), Verona (Silvia Colloca), and Marishka (Josie Maran) from Van Helsing: They all have a very distinctive demon-like presence. Yet they can also take human form and stand on the ceiling. Heck with seduction, these women want blood.

#6) Darla (Julie Benz) from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Don’t let her innocence fool you. This vampire is highly fearsome and most effective. She was The Master’s favorite and the one who sired Angel. Darla has been slayed, but keeps coming back. Maybe she knows Dracula’s secret?

buffydr2

#5) Drusilla (Juliet Landau) from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Other than the fact that she is a bit loony, Drusilla really stands out as a tough vampire. Not only was she the one who sired Spike, but she was one of few vampires to ever kill a slayer.

#4) Lucy Westenra (Lysette Anthony) from Dracula: Dead and Loving it: That’s right, the Mel Brooks version. After being sired by Count Dracula, Lucy becomes a sexy and seductive vampire. When she gets slayed, it becomes one of the funniest bloodbaths I ever seen.

Salma Hayek

#3) Santanico Pandemonium (Salma Hayek) from From Dusk Till Dawn: She was a seductive dancer at a private bar meant for bikers and truck drivers only, only to find out that she is the primary queen vampire of the place. In this movie, the female vampires are much more gruesome than the males.

#2) Lillith (Angie Everhart) from Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood: This shape shifting whorehouse hottie has a huge tongue that literally goes down a victim’s throat, brings his heart out of his chest, and eats it. And I thought Sil from Species had a monster tongue. Oddly, Lillith doesn’t like vegetarian hearts. They probably taste like veggie burgers.

Fright NIght 2

#1) Regine Dandridge (Julie Carmen) from Fright Night Part 2: I haven’t seen this movie in years. What I remember most is when this vampire makes out with a guy, then reveals the largest set of fangs I ever seen. It used to scare the heck out of me. Obviously she doesn’t scare me now, but I can still remember that horrifying image in the back of my mind from back in the day. That’s why I rank Regine as number one.